January 10, 2015

The Dark Cloud Descends & Lingers

Tonight is a rough night. I read a birth story about a botched home birth that triggered my own trauma. Despite our completely opposite birth scenarios, we were both left feeling an overwhelming sense of grief and brokenness.

The cloud that descended nearly immediately after X-man's birth rarely leaves me. Even in happy times, it finds me...almost always at night when I'm alone with my thoughts.

I relive what happened; question the choices I made or didn't make. I curse myself for the things I should've said but didn't. I get angry with myself for letting the cloud rob me of the joy and presentness I could've experienced if I would just let it go. I hold onto the dark cloud, as it spirals darkly over me.

I'm consumed by sadness, anger, and even jealousy. There are times when my anger is irrationally out of control. Rage flares so bad I have images flash before me of hurting my son. I immediately call my husband home from work. I pace anxiously in the driveway until he arrives. I get in my car the second he arrives without a word. I drive for hours in silence. I cry with guilt about the dangerous thoughts I just danced with. I drive until past the kids' bedtime. I've calmed down, they'll be asleep so I won't trigger...but they're not. They're still awake, hubby watching tv. There's lightening in my eyes, fire in my hands. A flash, the rage is back. I couldn't escape it after all. The cloud followed me home.

I hate the person my cloud has made me. I cannot be happy for other mothers. I'm so overcome with jealousy when I hear they have had an uncomplicated delivery. How is that fair!? She didn't prepare AT ALL. She got an epidural the second she THOUGHT she was in labor. She was obese with total disregard, while I was meticulously mindful of appropriate weight gain! I find myself secretly hoping they have to get cesareans, too. I'm happy in a grinch-like way when I hear they too failed. Ha!  Now you're broken, just like me.

I am a horrible human being.

I'm surrounded, engulfed in misery by my big, dark cloud.

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