January 18, 2015

Sadness: A Stream of Consciousness

(This post is a stream of consciousness, which will be rambling and, at times, possibly incoherent.)

Tonight, I am filled with sadness.
My house feels empty, despite being full of loved ones.
Someone is missing, my beloved cat, Mercutio.
It has been days since I have said his name. For 14 years he has been in my life.
After falling desperately ill over the holidays, we laid him to rest this week…a cold and rainy day in January.
My home is empty.

My home is empty without his presence to fill the space. He's not on his cushion, his food bowl is missing.
My home feels empty, he's not waiting by the door, not sneaking into bed with me or cuddling in my lap.

I look for him everyday, in his lounging spots, in his hidey holes. I swear I hear his claws on the floor at night as he stalks around the house. I think I see him laying on the rug, no just an old dress shoe someone forgot to put away.

I miss him and my life feels empty. Everything has stopped. No more reading, no more working. My first baby, my fur baby is gone. He lays in a little cardboard coffin, with his mouse and a flower, buried in our yard. Every time I open the door, I expect to see him dash into the fresh air, roll on the porch, bask in the sun. But he never comes. My house feels empty.

My heart is so empty, he was always there for me. The first night I had him, I was missing someone and cried. He licked the tears from my face. He's been with me through so many trials. My heart feels so empty.

This sadness begets sadness. It reminds me of the past. Things I try to forgot, as I sit here crying, he's not in my lap to lick the tears away. 

I'm reminded of how alone I feel, and how trapped I feel. I don't want to come home because there is an palatable emptiness here.

I hurt, I'm in pain. His purr is not there to comfort me. I feel guilt about not being a better owner. About not spending more time with him the last day he was here. I knew we were going to have to put him down, but I couldn't face sitting with him all day and crying. I miss him so much.

I am not okay. I have not been okay for a very long time. 
I'm lost.
I'm lost and alone.
I'm drowning.

1 comment: